Overly Persistent
by Reuben Lies
Summary: Sakamoto Tatsuma returns to his native planet, Earth, to visit his 'so-called' lover.
1. Deja vu

Note: Yea, yea, Gintama doesn't belong to me.

**Deja vu**

"ORIYOU-CHAAAAAAN! I HAVE RETURNED TO SEE YOUUUU!"

"You…I told you…TO NEVER COME BACK HERE!" roared Oriyou as she threw a fist up into Sakamoto's face, something that her fellow employee Otae-san had taught her.

The punch sent Sakamoto flying straight across the foyer of the hostess bar. He lay unmoving for a few moments. _Have I over done it?_ Oriyou thought. She immediately pushed the thought out and scowled as Sakamoto sat straight up, throwing his head back and laughing in the process.

"Hahahahaha! Ori-chan, you haven't changed a bit since I left! You'd think I'd give up after a while, but I, Sakamoto Tatsuma, am not one to quit!" exclaimed Sakamoto, with the unwavering smile that never left his face. He hopped to his feet and leapt towards Oriyou with his arms outstretched.

Luckily, he wasn't able to lay a hand on her.

"Ah, Oriyou-chan, is this fellow back to bother you? Is he causing you trouble again? Hm?"

Pulling him by the ear, Otae dragged a yelping, and laughing, Sakamoto towards the door. "Shall I throw him out? Shall I?" she added with a smile and vein popping on her forehead.

"No, no!" Oriyou quickly exclaimed. She knew that Otae was at her limit with injuries this month. One more crippled man leaving the bar on a stretcher would have her fired, as the boss put it.

"I'll just tend to him myself, Otae-chan! It'll be fine. You should take care of that Gorilla-san, right? Get rid of him once and for all, like you said." Oriyou added, letting out a nervous laugh.

"That's right, Oriyou-chan! An excellent idea!" Otae replied, pushing up her sleeves. Her pulsing vein popped even more as a distinct "OTAE-SAAAAAAAN!" rang through the air.

* * *

After carefully tying his hands and legs together so that he couldn't make any 'moves', Oriyou brought out Dom Perignon and poured it into a glass for Sakamoto-san. After all, he was a customer, and she needed the money.

"Hahahaha! How did you know Dom Perignon was my favourite? Hahahaha, I **knew** we were meant to be, Ori-chan! Even after months in space, you still remember!" Sakamoto cried, tears of emotion springing into his eyes.

_That stupid bastard, doesn't he realize it's because Dom Perignon is the priciest drink we sell here?_ _It's impossible to understand what a lovesick man is thinking. _Oriyou thought, shaking her head.

"It's like God made us for each other! It must be a sign that God wants you to go out with me, hahaha! And you can't ignore a sign from God, can you? This must be the best day of my life!" Sakamoto continued, "We'll spend the rest our lives together! Hahaha, this is great!"

As he droned on and on about their nonexistent love, laughing in between, Oriyou's aura grew visibly darker and darker.

"...and we'll have tons of children, won't we, Ori-chan? We could name them Sakayou, or Orimoto! Hahaha! They could have your silky golden-brown hair! And you beautiful face! Wouldn't it be wonderful, Ori-chan? Wouldn't it?"

Oriyou lifted her darkened face. Her eyes were narrowed and her knuckles were bone-white from gripping the Dom Perignon bottle. The crazed look in her eyes contradicted her broad smile.

"No, Sakamoto-san, it would not be wonderful. It most definitely would not."

She lifted the transparent green bottle with a trembling hand, and said,

"Let the Heavens' wrath descend to eliminate the monsters…"

A look of shock, then horror, crossed Sakamoto's face.

"Ah, Ori-chan? What are you doing? Hahaha, is this some kind of lover's ritual? Hahahahaha, you are so sweet, Ori-chan! Hahaha. Ah? Ori-chan? Ori-chan?"

Oriyou slammed the bottle down onto Sakamoto's head, breaking the bottle on impact. Sakamoto's face became somewhat distorted and squished before falling unconscious altogether.

And for the second time that night, Oriyou thought, _Have I over done it?_

_

* * *

_

A/N: If you were attentive :3, you'd notice that Sakamoto does indeed have stalkerish tendencies towards Oriyou, who is the girl with the cropped blondish-brownish hair who works with Otae-san at the hostess bar…which means the Gintama Stalker-Count is three! Not two! Pahahahaha :D


	2. Oriyou Gets Help

**Oriyou Gets Help**

Oriyou pushed a package of money towards the silver-haired samurai.

"Please, just get him to leave me alone," Oriyou said quietly, in an exasperated voice, "I know he's your friend, but I would really like it if he didn't constantly ask for my hand in marriage."

"Ahhh, Gin-san, this our first job in months!" Shinpachi exclaimed breathlessly, thinking he might actually get a paycheck this month. "You can't turn this one down!"

Gin-san leaned back in thought. After a few minutes of strained silence, he took in a deep breath and said simply:

"Stalkers aren't my thing."

Shinpachi and Kagura's jaws dropped.

"But Gin-chan! You've dealt with stalkers before!" protested a pouting Kagura, not wanting to seem rude and mention the money.

Gin-san sighed, "Neee…I have, but it's never been successful. There's no way I can help this case. Sorry, Oriyou-san."

Oriyou opened her mouth to say something, but was suddenly interrupted by a shrill "ORIYOU-CHAAAAN! Hahahaha I know you're in there! Come out and marry meeeeee!"

The proposal cry was followed by the rapid clunking of footsteps up the Yorozuya stairs.

Kagura was the first to act. She grabbed Oriyou's arm and pulled her into a piggy back, like Edward had done to Bella. Shinpachi, who had caught onto the Yato's immediate reaction, quickly ran to the side window and slid it open for Kagura to leap out of; something the Yorozuya threesome had done numerous times to avoid paying the rent.

Kagura landed soundly onto the ground below. Sadaharu, who was also familiar with the routine, came rushing around the corner to knock the girls onto his snow-white back. He zipped through the bustling Kabuki-chou crowds and took them to a safer place to stay: the Shimura dojo.

Meanwhile, Sakamoto had entered the Yorozuya, crashing through the door with arms open and smile flashing; another proposal cry escaping his throat.

Unfortunately, his enthusiastic entrance was short-lived. Gin-san's iron fist collided with Sakamoto's grinning face, causing Sakamoto to fall to the ground.

"You…" Gin-san started, eyes wide with murder, "that…was the last door I could afford to break. You…the old hag will…you…"

"Gin-san!" cried Shinpachi as he held back the suddenly blood-thirsty samurai from Sakamoto-san.

"Hahahahahaha…Kintoki, you are so funny! Hahahaha, I'll have Mutsu pay for this; don't you worry!" Sakamoto laughed, "Now, where's my Ori-chan? Oriyou-chan, my lovely wife-to-be! Where are you? Hahaha, are you playing a game of hide-and-seek with me? Hahaha!"

Gintoki, who was now calm, knowing that the door would be taken care of, flopped down onto the nearby sofa.

"It's Gintoki, and she's not here. Tch…so much for your stupid entrance. You should pay for interruption of privacy as well as the door. You hear me? Go and die," Gin-san said.

"Oh? Hahahaha, I must be hallucinating about her. Good bye, Kintoki. Hahahaha," replied Sakamoto as he stood up, brushed himself off, and stepped out of the Yorozuya, leaving the two freelancers to themselves and a broken door.

* * *

"Ah? Kagura-chan? Oriyou-chan? What are you doing here?"

"Anego, Ori-chan's crazy stalker is after her again! Can we stay here? Please?" asked Kagura, who was standing between Sadaharu and Oriyou.

"Of course!" replied Tae as she let them in, distracted by Kondo-san, who was making himself VERY obvious by wearing a lame leaf crown around his head and trying disguise himself as a tree of some sort.

"OTAE-SAAAAAN! PLEASE GO ON A DATE WITH MEEE!" burst Kondo-san, noticing that Tae had noticed him.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!" shrieked an absolutely FURIOUS Otae-san. She threw her leg up, straight into his hairy jewels that he had exposed so, so many times. He dropped to the ground like a stone in water and rolled back and forth holding that 'area' while tears sprang to his eyes (not from emotion, though…).

"Anego, shall I throw him over the wall? Shall I? May I?" piped Kagura, a sadistic smile similar to Prince of Sadists' spreading across her previously-oh-so-innocent face.

"Good idea, Kagura-chan. You may. Kick him with all your female strength. We don't have to be men to be strong, isn't that right, Oriyou-chan?" smiled Otae-san.

Oriyou let out a nervous laugh. "You're right, Otae-san, as usual, but these stalkers from Edo don't give up so easily after a thorough beating. Just look at Sakamto-san and Kondo-san!"

A thoughtful look replaced Otae-san's evil smile. "I've thought of that before, but there never seems to be another solution. Well, not a solution I can think of and carry out," Otae-san replied, turning towards Kagura, "And whooping their asses is a lot easier."

Kagura had thrown Kondo-san into the air. She was now beating him repeatedly with her indestructible umbrella.

"Hohoho, shall I leave your face unscathed? Or would it be better to ruin your whole Gori-body?" Kagura chuckled evilly. She whacked him up into the creamy blue sky and backed up a bit. As he fell downwards, Kagura began running towards him at a dangerous speed. She gave a game-winning soccer kick to the already battered Gorilla.

His large mass gave him enough momentum to fly over the dojo wall and over quite a few other neighbouring buildings. In the distance, a loud crash and panned "Ah? Kondo-san?" rang through the air. Kagura let out a wicked laugh.

Oriyou's eyes bugged out at the small girl's strength. Letting out another nervous laugh, she said quietly, "Kagura-chan? I think you may have over done it. Just a tad bit."

* * *

"Ah? Kondo-san?"

Sougo squatted down to meet his commander's closed black eye. "Is something wrong?"

Hijikata strolled up beside Sougo and scoffed, "They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid people, but in your case, I suppose it's both."

The Demon Vice-commander put an arm around Kondo-san, who was lying unconscious on the dirt road, and pulled him up. With his spare hand, he flipped open his cell phone to call for a patrol car to pick them up.

"Ahhh…Hijikata-san, it's not nice to call people stupid," Sougo said, holding up his bazooka.

Hijikata, knowing what would happen from previous experiences, immediately ducked for his and Kondo-san's safety.

"Tch…missed again…" muttered Sougo as soon as the dust cleared, revealing a still very-much-alive Hijikata and Kondo-san.

"Tch…my ass!" mocked Hijikata, who, surprisingly, still had his cigarette between his lips.

Luckily, a patrol car pulled up. Hijikata unloaded Kondo-san into the back seat of the car and got into the passenger seat while Sougo climbed in the back beside the unmoving Gorilla.

Sougo inspected the overall bruising of Kondo-san while the Shinsengumi members drove towards HQ. He noticed that the purple and black areas were much more severe than a normal beating from that crazy monster, Otae-san. In fact, a lot of Kondo-san's bones appeared broken or fractured.

"Sougo, what are you doing to Kondo-san? Finally 'coming out of the closet'?" smirked Hijikata-san from the front seat. The driver, a lower-classed Shinsengumi member, let out a strained chuckle, afraid of laughing too hard and suffering Okita's wrath later on.

"Ah, only Hijikata-san would think of such a perverted thing. Finally showing your lack of compassion towards brotherhood?" retorted Sougo. Again, the driver let out a muffled giggle.

"Why, you…!"

Hijikata stood up in his seat and swung his sword at Sougo, who easily dodged all the weak attempts.

"Vice-commander! Please sit down!" cried the driver while saying silent prayers in his head.

"You damn brat! I'll have your head one day, I swear on it!"

* * *

The doctor bandaged the last of Kondo-san's broken bones.

"He'll be fine," he assured, turning to Hijikata and Sougo, "When he wakes, feed him, but don't let him move for at least a week. Then I'll give him another check up and change his bandages."

"Anything serious this time?" asked Hijikata.

"Whoever did this to him seems to have superhuman strength," the doctor started, "but it doesn't seem like it's Otae-san, like before. She usually leaves bruises that aren't this deep. It could be a criminal. Be careful, boys."

"Hmph" was their reply.

* * *

Fanks fer der R&Rs so far :D


	3. Three Girls, One Cup of Violence

**Three Girls, One Cup of Violence**

"Don't worry, Oriyou-chan! I'll come along to protect you! It'll help me become a true samurai!" Kagura stopped mid-walk to demonstrate a samurai pose.

"That's wonderful, Kagura-chan!" Otae beamed down proudly at her loyal apprentice, "Having Kagura come along to help at the bar was a great idea, wasn't it, Ori-chan?"

"Neee," Oriyou grunted, trudging along the dirt road towards the red light district, not so ready for a long night of work, "yea, I guess it was. I mean, who would've thought of it?"

Kagura giggled, petting Sadaharu, "It was Anego's idea!"

"I should've guessed," Oriyou replied, trying to clothe her cloudy mood with a coat of enthusiasm.

Oriyou had had an exhausting day already; because she worked the night shift, she usually slept in the day, but hadn't slept a wink thanks to that Sakamoto fool, who caused her to have to take hostage in Otae's for the whole afternoon. And as the unsaid fact goes: when with Otae, sleep is not to be found; with daytime Kagura, you might as well pull Mr. Bean's matchstick trick.

It wasn't that she was annoyed with Otae and Kagura, or disliked them – no; far from that – she enjoyed their presence, but with her mortal nightmare in town, her mind was going into overdrive with worry, and she just needed a long day at the spa. Too bad she didn't have the money.

"…so I said, 'Bastard, this is MY turf, so if you're going to be trampling all over it, you're going to have to get through me.' Then he acted all tough and was like, 'You're on,' and tried to throw a punch at me, but I blocked it! Then I gave him an uppercut, left, right, under and KICK! Just like you taught me, Anego! And he never came back again!"

"Ah, Kagura-chan, that's the way to show him! Next time try the kick first, then beat the guy to pulp; your legs are much stronger than your arms," Otae suggested.

As the girls turned the corner, they ran into (none other than) Hijikata and Sougo, who were on duty.

"Hey, bastard, this is MY turf, so if you're going to be – " Kagura started.

"Hush, Kagura-chan, we're going to run late if you pick fights now," Otae said, moving the other girls along. Oriyou gave a small nod of the head to the policemen, as if to dismiss herself. "Sorry about that, you two," Otae apologized to the officers, also offering a small nod.

"No problem," Hijikata grunted. "There's been a man reported of lunatic obsessive behaviour," he added, "wavy hair; round, black glasses; acts really strange; he's been revealed as just a trader in town, but still, be careful."

Oriyou made an almost unnoticeable grimace.

"Ah, thank you, Hijikata-san," Otae smiled, and ushered the girls onwards. "We'll be careful of that."

As the two parties parted and were out of earshot of one another, Hijikata muttered, mostly to himself, "Kondo-san would have my ass if anything happened."

_Have his ass_ was all Sougo heard. Already, the gears of his mind turned, the pulleys were pulled, the cranks cranked; and there it was, the final product: the perfect plan.

* * *

_All I have to do is have the perfect idiot, that Sakamoto dumbass, attack Otae-san in Hijikata's presence and get it on tape. Blame it all on Hijikata, and the vice president seat is mine!_ Sougo thought. _It doesn't cause any bodily harm to him, but I can do that when I'm vice president!_

Hjikata and Sougo were nearing the end of their shift. The last part of town they had to patrol was Kabuki-chou, for about two hours until the next officers came for their night shift. Sougo usually left Hijikata to 'split up so they can each cover less ground', so he already had a liable excuse to slip away to find Sakamoto, which wasn't hard to do at all.

Sakamoto was at the bar next to Otae's. _This won't be too hard, _Sougo thought.

Sougo strolled into the bar, telling the waiter at the door that he was looking for a friend. The waiter noticed the Shinsengumi uniform and let Sougo in with a nervous chuckle.

Sougo walked deeper into the crowded space and noticed a denser horde of people near the centre of the room.

_This is what they mean by 'life of the party', I guess_.

And right he was; there sat Sakamoto surrounded by countless big–breasted women.

"…and he said, "Who's there?" And I said, "ACH." And he's like, "ACH who?" Then I said, "I made you sneeze!" The women squealed with laughter, and Sakamoto laughed wholeheartedly with them.

Sougo gently pushed through the crowd of women towards Sakamoto.

"Ah, Sakamoto-san. I have an important job for you," Sougo offered.

"Hahahaha…what was that?" Sakamoto asked, wiping away the tears of laughter from his hilarious joke.

"I have a very special job for you."

Sakamoto burst out laughing. "Silly boy! You don't work at night! Everyone knows that!"

Again, the women burst with laughter.

"Well then," Sougo continued, "you have won the lottery and you are to come with me to claim your prize!"

Some of the more sober women looked up at Sakamoto and gave him tiny nudges.

"What's the use of money; happiness is everything!"

The women cheered, clinked glasses and downed their drinks.

Sougo was getting a bit frustrated.

"Look, buddy, I'm the police, so if you don't come with me, I'm going to have to arrest you."

Sakamoto just laughed and said, "Whatever you want, Mr. Policeman, sir."

The women whooped and hollered at his bravery.

By now, Sougo was almost angry. _I've offered a special job, money, and I've threatened him; what else is there to give?_

"Oh, you are **so** brave. I am totally in love with you!" cried one of the women, throwing herself across Sakamoto.

_That's it! __**Love**__!_

"Sakamoto-san, I've just gotten the word that the love of your life –she –she –it's breaking up on me!" Sougo cried urgently, holding his phone to his ear and pretending he was taking a call.

"What? What happened to Oriyou-chan? Where is she? Who is she with? How?"

_That seems to have done the trick_, Sougo thought evilly, as he put his phone back in his pocket.

"I'm not sure, Sakamoto-san, but you're going to have to come with me," Sougo said, his face solemn.

"Of course! At once! I must save my Ori-chan!"

Sakamoto jumped up from his seat, leaving a mass of whining women behind.

Sougo led Sakamoto around three blocks to confuse the poor fellow, who was so drunk that he stopped to throw up twice. Sougo took those opportunities to call Hijikata, telling him to met at Otae's bar because he had 'caught a criminal'. When they finally entered Otae's bar, Sakamoto was so dizzy he could barely stand up.

"Where…is…my…O…ri…chan?"

Sougo pretended to scan the room and said, "Hm…it looks like she's not here! But I know who took her away!"

"Who? Who is it?" Sakamoto cried in drunken distress, "WHO TOOK MY ORI-CHAN?"

Sougo pulled out his phone and studied it as if he had received a clue through a text message. "It's…," he looked up and spotted Otae, "HER!" He grabbed Sakamoto and pointed accusingly at Otae, serving a drink to Hijikata, who had arrived just a little before Sougo and Sakamoto.

Sakamoto gasped.

"Go get her! Find out where she took your Ori-chan!" encouraged Sougo, giving Sakamoto a shove forward.

"That's right! I WILL GET MY ORI-CHAN BACK!" screeched Sakamoto, charging towards Otae.

Sougo turned his phone's camera on. He hit the record button and watched gleefully.

Sakamoto tripped just before he reached Otae and he fell face first into her chest. Even someone as deadpan as Sougo had to try hard to refrain from laughing out loud. Otae's face turned from her regular smile to fiery red plate of anger to a Satanic shade of purple. Sougo zoomed in on Hijikata's shocked face, and back to Otae, who had already started to beat Sakamoto. She didn't just do the 'uppercut, left, right, under, KICK' or the 'kicking method' she had taught Kagura; she was in full-on furious-beast mode. She threw him up into the hanging lights, swung him until he was fully tangled, then used him as a punching bag. At this point, Sougo ended the video.

"SOOOOOUGOOO!" shrieked Hijikata, "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Hijikata tried to snatch away Sougo's phone, but as usual, Sougo was just too fast for him.

"Oof!" Otae threw the battered and mangled Sakamoto at the officers' feet.

Sakamoto was tied into a strange looking yoga position with the cord of the lights, which Otae had ripped out of the ceiling in her mad fit of rage.

"Take that perverted bastard, AND DO. YOUR. JOB!" Otae screamed, huffing and shaking from her anger.

The policemen took this as a sign to leave.

"All right, let's get going now Sougo; our shift is over," Hijikata sighed, hauling Sakamoto behind them and adding a 'Tch!' as they left the building of frightened onlookers, including an awestruck Kagura.

And from the shadows of the curtains at the back of the room, came Oriyou's quiet chuckle.

* * *

)= Sorry for the lack of updates. Facebook is distracting. T_T


End file.
